You had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don’t lie
You’re coming back down and you really don’t mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

Well! Today was one of the worst days I’ve had this year. It’s not that things went wrong. Rather, I had things one after the other that really tested my temper, got me into a terrible mood, and pretty much ruined my entire day. Let’s see… there was a total of at least three major things, with lots of tiny ones in between.

I can’t elaborate on them lest I want to get into really big trouble. But let me just say that about one of them, well, you kids know who you are and what you did.

Had a long IM conversation with a friend I hadn’t seen in ages. Never really was particularly close to him, but he’s the type who doesn’t sugarcoat his words and we had a long conversation on a few things. There was something that had been bugging me for a while and when I hashed it out with him, he laid everything in front of me bluntly with genuine concern.

I guess I already kind of knew what he told me, and what actions that I needed to undertake. But it’s human nature. We always need someone to tell us what we already know because we ourselves don’t want to accept it and are secretly hoping that it’s not what we think it is; we’re hoping that what needs to be done is not what we know must be done. We need someone else to come in and slap us with a harsh dose of reality.

I’ve faced many problems of many kinds in my life. Some weirder than the usual. But I’m aware, and very thankful, for the fact that I’ve never had any really major problems that could completely engulf my life. But I’ve still had my fair share. And I hate it when people give me standard textbook advice.

Like when I was in my last job. God, I really hated it for many reasons. It wasn’t that I had an awful boss – she was OK. It was her husband I couldn’t stand. And I really didn’t like what I was doing, although my boss had “big plans” for me. I didn’t like being pigeonholed and having expectations laid upon me, because the goals and the dreams she wanted me to achieve were not the goals and the dreams were not mine.

So I complained to a friend. The thing was, I was aware that I had an opportunity, but I didn’t want this opportunity. And she said, “Then… you should work harder!” But I didn’t want to work harder. I wanted something else. (And that was how I fell into teaching)

That’s why whenever anyone asks me for advice, I never give them standard textbook advice. Especially to the students. I have not forgotten what it’s like to be a student, especially at the rebellious age. The standard textbook advice is always virtuous, right, and rigid… and never practical. It’s like doing a Moral paper without meaning a single word of it. I’m not the perfect Aunt Agony (if I were, I’d be making millions of dollars being a shrink for really rich people), but I do try to give advice in the best interest of all parties. It’s all up to the person whether he/she wishes to listen.

And there are some people who live almost fairy tale lives, where they don’t face any complicated problems. I’m not saying they don’t face any problems at all. They do. But their problems are the usual, average, common problems that everyone else faces, which means that there is a solution. So sometimes when I mention some of the problems I’ve encountered, they don’t understand. They’ll give me standard textbook advice, or try to advise me based on their limited experience or knowledge. Or they’ll be like, “I don’t understand, what’s so complicated?” Of course you don’t understand. You’ve never been through anything complicated before.

A friend once told me that in a strange way, God is fair. People who can’t deal with difficult issues will never suffer great difficulties; they’re the ones who will live these almost fairy tale lives, facing problems no more bigger than say, a broken thumbnail. Whereas people who are stronger will suffer these difficulties because they can. It doesn’t sound fair, but I suppose when you look at it this way, it’s fair in a strange way.

Sometimes I wish I’m not so strong. Then I’ll get to lead these fairy tale lives with little difficulty. But then I won’t be able to understand the problems that others face, especially complicated ones, because I’ve never been through a complicated problem. I think I can live with that though. (Big sigh)

(Big big sigh)

Anyway, on another completely different note, here’s a photo I took with a student today. I used Photoshop to edit the photo a little. It isn’t all that great editing, but at least I tried

Here’s the original photo taken with her phone camera	Here’s the edited photo!
Me with Ee Ping

The Sri KDU staff dinner this year has completely surpassed last year’s. Considering that last year there was none, this was not hard to achieve. (In 2005 we had the staff dinner at the Tropicana Golf & Country Club a la Hawaiian, whereas last year we had… a staff lunch in the secondary school cafeteria) After all, according to basic Maths, anything divided by zero is infinity; so this year’s dinner was infinitely better than last year’s.

The theme for the night was “Bondnite” and the colours were “black, white, and gold”. Marketing had done a lot of preparations, so to speak; an invitation emailed to all staff both academic and non-academic in the form of a powerpoint presentation, surveys done complete with videotaping, Bond quizzes sent out every few days.

I arrived in time for dinner to start; in other words, just in time! Buffet-style, there was variety, food was OK but not great. What I hated about it though, was the music. While we were eating, they played a powerpoint presentation with photos of different staff (I saw the one taken of me and Ms Tai during the P&A Nite preparations which was also placed on the school website) accompanied with phrases such as “A kind face”, “A warm embrace” (this was with my said photo), “An inner beauty”, and such sweet words. This wasn’t the bad part. Some of the photos were really nice, actually. The part I hated was how they played “Cherish The Love” by Pappa Bear… again and again and again and again and again… It positively killed my liking for the song. It’s like, they had only brought that one single song to entertain us with.

There were two emcees – one was a school teacher, another a non-teacher, both of opposite sexes. I shall not mention their names here for their sake… and for mine.

Then we had a round of lucky draws which consisted of items such as a hairdryer, an iron, a jug kettle, two toaster ovens and two sandwich makers. I was waiting for them to announce a rice-cooker next, but to my great surprise, they didn’t.

What came next was not in the agenda, but the introduction to it was very fake… it was like, “We’re going to call one of you out here and you’re going to have to choreograph a dance and dance it on the spot!” Belle from the primary school strode out confidently saying that she would volunteer. “I’m going to choreograph a salsa on the spot,” she said proudly. We were all like, yeah right. We already knew they had prepared a dance because Marketing had emailed the secondary school asking if we would like to put up a performance since primary school was going to. We didn’t bother though. Anyway, true enough, a bunch of primary school teachers went forward to join Belle and did a line dance salsa number. I applaud their enthusiasm and their guts, although not the dance nor their dancing.

And after that, according to the agenda, was “In Search of Bond”. All it was, was just a video presentation of the marketing people going around speaking to a few teachers, administration staff, and students on their opinions on which staff looked most like James Bond and who would most appropriately be a Bond girl. There were amusing disclosures, such as Sai Mun hoping it would be him, and Sara and Zac’s friendly banters. And when they interviewed the students, the last batch of students they interviewed were Melody, Zetty and Jade, and the moment I saw them I was like… OMG, I knew who they were going to suggest!!! True enough, when they were asked who they think should be the Bond girl, although the interviewer had prompted them with another name, they came up with my name instead!!! Anyway, to the three of you: Thanks, girls. I love you too!

To my great surprise after that, we went into another round of lucky draw instead. It was like… no decision had been made. The presentation was labeled as “The People’s Choice” or something like that. Soo… who is the final choice on Mr James Bond and his lady? Obviously this wasn’t about making a choice. It was just an opinion poll.

The next part was… well, stupid, really. The organising committee had preselected three tables to do an impromptu skit. Fortunately, my table wasn’t in any way chosen. The first table who were chosen, however, were completely unprepared, and you could see they were a little unwilling initially. They had not read the paper that was given to them earlier. The emcee sounded annoyed – you could hear his impatience in his voice as he told them to hurry up and be a sport. And he told the other two preselected groups that “if you haven’t read your paper, I suggest you read it now.” I wanted to tell him, “I suggest you shut up and die.”

I mean, we come all dressed up and decked out in some of our best looking beautiful/elegant/handsome and now you’re making us embarrass ourselves in front of all our colleagues? Hello???

The first group were at least sporting enough to pull together and did something – they had to act out some kind of American Idol thing. The second group consisting of the Indian teachers from the secondary school did some “James Bond taking over as the head of a pondan village” thing (they modified it from the original “James Bond abducted by 5 eunuchs” title given to them), and since this bunch was naturally sporting anyway, it turned out quite funny. The third group consisted of mostly the Mandarin teachers with a few men teachers who did some “James
Bond rescues his girlfriend from Ah Long” which was also quite hilarious. Each group received prizes, ranking 3rd, 2nd and 1st respectively (no surprises there).

Why was I surprised then, when they had a spontaneous dance competition with again another three preselected tables? It was our team-building in Melaka all over again. This time they didn’t allow the groups to hear the music beforehand. Each group had a different song mix and each was longer than 5 minutes. Oh, and each group was given a set of stupid props to play with in the music. The first group had to use ping pong bats. The second group had to play with plastic cones (the emcee actually choked on his chuckles as he handed them out to them). I don’t know what the third group had to use because I was standing outside the hall getting some fresh air. A lot of people had already zoned out by then. I think a lot of people would have left much earlier if it wasn’t for the lucky draws.

Then there was the Bond Quiz draw. Now what is this Bond Quiz draw, exactly? In the weeks leading up to this, one of the Marketing staff had sent out questions related to previous Bond movies (one question every few days) and the first three to get the answer correct per quiz would qualify for the draw. In some way, I felt it wasn’t really fair because it depended a lot on whether you were there when you checked your email. Often enough, when the questions were sent, many of us were away in class teaching and by the time we got back to our workstations and checked our emails, it would be too late. Personally I didn’t try any… because I didn’t know any of the answers. Hahaha!!! I’m not exactly a Bond fan. I enjoy the Austin Powers movies much more.

Next was the Dressed To Kill session, where they called out those who were shortlisted for the Best Dressed for both men and ladies. (In case you were wondering, I didn’t get shortlisted. Wasn’t aiming to, anyway, even though I had dressed to kill, albeit for myself). No surprises as to what they were forced to do. There were paired up, and made to ‘pose’ and ’strut’ with stupid props again.

Best Dressed: Zunizan and Hemalini

The top winners were both from the secondary school – Zunizan and Hemalini. It was evident that the decision was not based on whatever poses and struts that the participants had to do earlier, because these two were quite simply put, the best dressed. All that earlier stuff was just to make them work for their money. And of course, as usual, upon being announced as the winners, these two had to dance on stage for the whole school to see.

They then had the Grand Lucky Draw which had more decent gifts such as handphones and cameras and such which were donated by some of the directors of the school. I didn’t win anything, so I went home empty-handed. There were those who went back laden – those who had won a draw, and was involved in one of the stupid spontaneous competitions, and also shortlisted for the best-dressed.

Then the emcees called up some of the teachers to the front, some by name some not, with a promise of “You will not be sorry”. I went to the front just for support. Hah, I was sorry alright. All they did was burst a huge balloon and some measly confetti popped out. I think all of us who had gone to the front felt really foolish and embarrassed.

When the night was announced officially over, most staff didn’t hang around; they left without hesitation, although the “dance floor was now open for dancing the night away”. I did see a few willingly hit the floor, and some stayed back to take glamour shots, but otherwise the hall was empty as quick as a shot.

Here’s what I have a problem with the staff dinner:

1. We come out all decked up in our beautiful garb, hoping for a nice and elegant sit-down dinner, and you’re making us do spontaneous skits and dance competitions. I mean, if some teachers (like the primary) wish to do a dance performance voluntarily, by all means go ahead; we have no problem with that. But don’t force it on us and get impatient with us when we don’t do what you want us to do.
2. Why have competitions that severely limit the participants? By preselecting the participants, you not only force them to do it (some may be willing, but there may be some really unwilling), and you completely leave out others who may wish to try to vie for some of the prizes. Why not have smaller competitions that allow people to join as individuals?
3. A lot of the lucky draw gifts suck. (OK, I know I’m being a b*tch. At least there were lucky draw gifts, right? I figure since I’m on a roll, I’ll just keep complaining)
4. I now hate “Cherish The Love” because of this dinner.

I suppose they didn’t want to have “small” competitions because for one, “it’s what every other staff company dinner has… we should do something different” and for another, they are worried that there will be no participation for small competitions. By having group competitions like these, they can ensure there will be participation. But like I said, preselecting the groups have excluded a lot of others who may wish to try to win something.

I didn’t enjoy myself at all that night, and I know many others who didn’t. Someone even told me, “Next time I’m not going to get all dressed up nicely; I’ll just come in T-shirt and tracks in case I have to do one of those skits or dance.” She’s got a very valid point there.

Ah well. Anyway here are some glamour shots I took with my colleagues that night. There were a few more but they’re in my colleagues’ cameras so have to wait until I get them from them.

Me with Norulain and Chandini -
two of the bubbliest people I know in Sri KDU

Me with Azlina -
one of the prettiest and certainly the most well-dressed teacher (on schooldays)

Me with Hazira -
another really pretty teacher who’s really sweet too

Me with Hafiz Mazlan -
a great guy all around

Me with Ms Bong Siew Hwa -
possibly THE sweetest teacher I know in Sri KDU

Me with Ellie -
really sweet and pretty. Turns out she was my school junior. And incidentally she’s teaching Physics too, albeit to IB

Me with Pn Ramlah, Ms Bong, and Ms Liong -
some of the loveliest ladies I’ve ever known

Me with Ms Tai, Ms Chin and Pn Ramlah -
Ms Tai has helped me a lot over the past 2 years, Ms Chin is probably one of the best actresses in Sri KDU, and Pn Ramlah … well, everyone loves her!

I was once told by someone who read my hand for free (I don’t pay for that kind of thing because I’m too cheapskate… haha!) that I’m the kind of person who chooses her friends carefully. I never thought of myself that way but when I looked at my friends, it’s true. I think it stems from the different difficult friendships I had; I had in my time friends who claimed they were my friends but were the first ones to backstab me when the opportunity arose. I won’t go into details. But I think since then I’ve been a lot more careful about who I choose to be close to.

Can’t say that I always get my choices right all the time though. Because the thing about me is that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. And when I trust, I don’t hold back on the trust. So I guess that’s why it’s difficult for me to understand why people can claim they’re close to me and yet hold things back from me. Oh, I don’t expect them to divulge every secret. Good God, I don’t do that. Everyone needs their own privacy. Hell, I certainly do. I’m talking about the most basic bits of trust. The most basic things that close friends should know about each other.

I told a close friend about something that I would love to do. It was something I was working hard towards as well. It was something that was quite costly to do, but it was something I was prepared to work hard for and save for it. The next thing I knew, that friend went and did that thing with others, and told me about it only afterwards. And what made it worse was that none of the people who were involved had any interest in it. It was only because they could afford it.

Do I feel betrayed? Yes.

Hurt? Yes.

Have I forgiven? Oh, I forgive, but I don’t forget.

You live, you learn. You choke, you learn. You laugh, you learn. You chose, you learn. You live, you learn.

It’s been a while since my last blog entry. I haven’t had the mood to blog much lately. And my website front page is also due for an update – it’s now more than a month old. I’m supposed to update this blog with the presents I received since the last blog entry about my birthday gifts… but I think I’ll leave that for an article entry instead into the website per se.

Feeling extremely disillusioned about a lot of things. It’s not that my life is going downhill – on the contrary, I’ve got a lot of things going for me, and I’m not so ungrateful as to disregard them all. But you know when they say that “every cloud has a silver lining”? Well, how about the opposite: “every silver lining has a cloud”? OK, I know that was totally lame but am too lazy to come up with my own new idiom. Like “every cup of tea has its dregs” or “in every smile there’s an upside-down frown”.

I suppose that’s kinda like looking at a glass and saying that it’s half-empty. Funnily everytime I’m asked that kind of question I always go “it’s half-full”. I think it’s just that I’m aware that things are going great and I do appreciate that, but I’m also fully aware of the things that aren’t so great. I think that’s called being realistic, so you can’t accuse me of being optimistic nor pessimistic.